This is the weekend before i sell my small business of twelve years. I’m in my shop by myself, drinking white wine and listening to my work soundtrack for possibly the last time. The past few years have been such a fucking slog. Covid years. Had a kid. Bought our first home. And the business has been as busy as ever. Was a husband-wife sort of gig but since my darling daughter I’ve been pretty much flying solo. Hire someone? Maybe i suck at hiring the right help. Maybe I don’t like to boss people around, just do the work myself. So fucking tired. Said to myself I needed to sell the business otherwise it would kill me, someone said sure I’ll buy, so here i am.

The big question: Was I successful? Well, we made a living. Bought our first home, even if it is just an old apartment. Business wise, I’ve helped hundreds, probably thousands, of customers with what i do best. I’m appreciated. Most customers are nice. I like making money doing what i do best and being appreciated. I’ve finally made above the median salary by the end of it. And yet, for all the hard work i can’t help but feel I should have made more. Serves me right for being too nice to time wasters and not charging ruthlessly enough. Well, it’s not all about the money, right? I say that but it sure feels shit working so hard for such an average salary. I dunno. Just want off. Hope the flipside’s better. What if it ain’t? Fuck. No, fuck it, doesn’t matter. Change is good. I’m young enough for another chapter in my life. My life’s been a whole series of fresh starts, one more can’t hurt.

Oh, turned 40 last year. Happened to be on a trip back to the city where i met my wife. Wife did fuck all for my birthday. I’m pretty low key but even a simple dinner to celebrate would have been nice. Kinda stung. Don’t think i’m that much of an asshole to deserve that. I dunno. Am i bitter? Sure I am. Wouldn’t have brought it up otherwise. Every step of the way she’s found things to focus on besides helping me. So it’s not her thing. Fine. Always told her if she didn’t want to work in the shop, do her own thing. So she pursues her hobby, I support her. She spends thousands on courses, takes months off from working, i support her. Does it make money? No. Not even after 6 years. Am I upset she doesn’t think about our family finances more? A bit. But i don’t tell her. Then we have a kid. I always told her 0 or 1. So we had 1. We have a daughter. I love her to bits. She warms my cold, dead heart. She’s awesome. Now I’d like to sell my business so I have more free time to hang with her.

Y’know, I’m going to miss this place. Hitting me for the first time. I built something, all by myself. The cynics were out there, even amongst family, but i defied it all. Almost broke me but i did it. I could probably keep going but i think I’ll stop. Don’t feel like I’ve had a proper break since i started. Business owners know what I’m talking about. It’s on your mind 24/7, even when you’re on holidays. I thought this was going to be it, what i’d do for the rest of my life. Guess not, though it sure feels like it’s been a lifetime. Part of me wants to just fucking kill myself now and I’ll be okay with that. But i got my daughter to think about. Guess i’ll have to stick around. Who knows what’s next. I’m gonna be helping out the new owner of my business for a while. Never considered myself brilliant but I’m hard working enough to know i’ll be okay. Not scared one bit.

God I’ve aged. Gave the prime of my life to my business. Feel like a husk of my former self. What was that, some optimistic ignoramus? Guess I’m the opposite now. Got a semi-permanent, bloated scowl from all the bullshit I’ve had to deal with over the years.

Why am i writing this here? Probably cause I’ve been so consumed by my business that I’ve had no time for friends and don’t have a single one left now to call, just friendly faces that I break bread and make small chat with every now and then. Eh, whatever. I’ve never been a good friend. Lots of people like me on first impressions but then realise i just don’t have time to hang out or shit. Work’s my whole life, baby. Hope that’ll change after I sell the business.

All in all, I’ve been blessed. What’s the statistics, 4 out of 5 businesses fail within the first five years? I made it to year 12. Made an honest living.

Bottle of wine’s finished, peace out.